Monday, November 16, 2015

The ones to avoid. A guide to dating and dumping men.

The ones to avoid. A guide to dating and dumping men. Dedicated to the romantics among us (ok I include myself in that). Over the years I have met many women and a few gay men who have been really hurt having tried to make unworkable relationships function. I think I should start a dating agency for sane people. Well okay sane(ish) people.

Here follows my list of people to avoid and take steps to protect yourself:

 Mr “it’s not you it’s me”: The simple statement above really means that he is a mess or just not that interested. It belongs to the same group of pathetic guys who say “you deserve better than me”. The answer is YES, you really do so close the communications before you get hurt. Mr man who says this is also likely to be a manipulator, best dealt the card of silence.


Mr “Invisible”: Now this guy is the kind that isn’t ready to go anywhere with you. He likes to keep his friends apart and wont introduce you even after months. After a reasonable time if he doesn’t go for dinner, coffee or even add you to facebook it is time to run as far as you can. I have heard of this all too often and always ask what he is hiding. If you are good enough to date he should be proud of you and want to explore new things with you and to introduce you to his friends.


Mr “I was going to”: Oh dear, now this one is the type that never plans anything. If you have a need he may not offer to help out. Oddly enough you might offer to help him more than you get back. You may be the one who arranges all the future dates and nice things to do.

Mr Empty Handed: You rush home from work having stopped off to do shopping because Prince Charming is coming over for dinner. You chop, prepare, make, blend and tidy the place to impress and then Mr not-so-right arrives empty handed. If his mammy didn’t teach him to bring something, it isn’t your job to do so. I would offer a warning shot and wait for the next time.

Mr Silence: Have you ever felt alone while dating a guy? Many people have been through this one. Sitting over a meal or even at home when Mr Man goes into his head. Now some silences are fine but there are those excluding silences when you just know you are not part of his life.

Mr Words not actions: You know the drill here. The “you mean everything to me”, “I would do anything for you”, “You are the most important person in my life”. Do the behaviours show this? Do they arrive on time? Does he really make you feel important or are you second fiddle. Does he follow through on what he has agreed to do? He may even offer to help with something but does it ever happen? (I though not). Check and ask him to do something reasonable and see if it happens. It’s not in my nature to quote the bible but “by their deeds you will know them”.

Mr “expressionless” Mmm say for example , it is his birthday or some other celebration. With excitement you make plans, gigging as you go imagining the response. You prepare, wrap, decorate and eventually give him his present. He sits there glazed over and expressionless. OUCH what a let down. This is a guy who wasn’t expecting niceness. We all need someone to do the dance of happiness with. This guy just isn’t going to get that. It could be time to send him off with his presents into his future.

Mr Gaslighter: Ouch to this one. This is a cruel form of treatment that should NEVER be tolerated. This is where a guy says or does stuff which he denies after. From the most simple things to more detailed. The impact of this behaviour is to undermine confidence of the victim.

Mr Victim: Okay you have spent ages trying to be patient. He has told you how much better you deserve and how he doesn’t know how you put up with him. He promises to improve and does but eventually slips back to default mode. You point this out saying you want things to be okay and he goes into rage. He will say “I am sick of being blamed for everything”; notwithstanding the fact that he is only being blamed for the stuff he does wrong. In fairness it could be your tone or stress level but in this case the defensive twister will try to remove focus from what he has done or failed to do just to make you feel bad. Mr victim may eventually calm down and accept his errors and want to try yet again.


In conclusion: Okay ladies (and guys) you have tried your best. Isn’t it time you really got someone nicer. The fact that your may have tried to make it work just means that you are a nice person, deserving of love and respect without having to fight for it. It’s a big world. While there isn’t anyone perfect out there you can always find better than the above. Be careful out there you might even have a fun, stable normal relationship if you aren’t careful.

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